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Jester
HO HO HO Jest'r few Links * Nasrudin * Dharma The Cat * Who Is Swami Beyondananda? * Wake Up Laughing ~ for Lynn * Says who? Sez me? Why not send a peace email with some humour . . . * Peaceful postcards from Gill Eardley The Lotus And The Mishpokheh: The Principles of Jewish Buddhism (Koans for becoming a JewBu) ------------------------------------------------------- 1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders. 2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? 3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. 4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking? 5. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. 6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? 7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. 8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish. 9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish. 10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being Who happens to be Jewish? 11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster. 12. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. 13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? 14. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes. Nasrudin was once called in to fix a troublesome mainframe computer that was not working. He took one look at it removed a hammer and tapped the computer. It whirred into life . . . "That will be $2010," said Nasrudin naming his fee. "That is rather steep for a mere tap of the hammer?" "The tap," said Nasrudin, "is $10 - knowing where to tap is $2000." A man walking in the Lower East side of NY passes a store window that is full of clocks and watches. Realizing that his watch has not been working properly he enters the shop. He is greeted by a rabbinical looking little old man. He tells the man that he would like to have his watch repaired. The little old man answers: "I'm sorry. I don't repair watches". (provide your own accent as you read this) .. "Well, in that case", says our hero, "Maybe I'd like to buy a watch". "I'm sorry," say the old man again," I don't sell watches". "So, you don't sell watches, you don't repair watches. What do you do?" "I do circumcisions." Replies the old man. "If you do circumcisions why do you have watches in the window???" "If you gave circumcisions, what would you put in the window? sorry... I couldn't resist...Sam Kitchen prayer - All you need is glove :A buddhist monk stopped in a village in his journey :and asked a woman if he could spend the night :in her house. She said he could but he had to :chose from three things: :sleep with her, kill a goat or drink some alcohol. :The monk chose alcohol since he considered :this to be the lesser of three evils. :The next day he woke up in the bed of the :women he slept with and next to a dead goat. :Groucho apparantly was like that :specilizing in - quick quips - off camera :He once attended a seance where the medium :asked if there were 'any questions for the spirits?' :Groucho asked: :"What is the Capital of Nebraska?" these from wikiquote * "Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell." * "A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." ~ Joseph Campbell * "A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light." * "There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't." * "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." ~ Dave Platt * "Error, keyboard not found -- press F1 to continue." ~ BIOS system message * "Just where is this "ANY" key I'm supposed to press?" There was a terrible draught. After a long deliberation, the villagers decided to approach Nasrudin, who was known to work miracles on occasion and ask for his intervention in bringing the rain. The whole community went over to Nasrudin's hut and the elders stated their request. "Sorry," said Nasrudin, "there will be no miracle - you have no faith". "But Nasrudin, how can you say that?" said the villagers, "after all, is it not our faith, that brought us to your door, begging for help?" "If you really had faith," said Nasrudin, "You would have come with umbrellas." :El Vaquero (The Mexican Cowboy) and his Chihuahua, Chilito, :are camping in the desert. He sets up their tent and both :are soon asleep. Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his :faithful friend. :"Chilito, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." :Chilito replies, "I see millions of stars, senor." :"What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero. :Chilito ponders for a minute. :"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions :of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. :Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. :Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. :Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful ... :and we are small and insignificant. :Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. :What does it tell you, senor?" :El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says, :"Chilito, you pendejo. :Someone has stolen our tent!" Warning - Do not read if easily offended. (by the legal profession) ;) a crowded smoke-filled bar. jam packed on a friday nite. a guy at one end of the bar, having had a few too many, and fresh from a divorce in which he lost all he had ... stands up and shouts, "lawyers are assholes!!!!" a few of the patrons look down his way but then go back to quaffing their guiness. but on the other end of the bar ... one guy stands up and begins to work his way down to where our friend is sitting. he finally makes his way thru the crowd ... approaches and says, "i heard what you said ...and i want you to know i take offence!" "why," asks our hero, "are you a lawyer?" "no", he replies, "i'm an asshole!" John and Peter were inseparable friends. They went to kindergarten, lower school, high school and university together. They married at the same time and settled near each other. Their families were always together. But, as life would have it Peter who worked for the UN was sent to Africa on a mission. They both thought that it would be just a matter of weeks before he returned. But alas, it did not turn out that way. Weeks passed, and then months and then finally a year went by. Peter was lost. John decided to give up everything and go in search of him. Following his tracks he finally arrived in a remote jungle village. Too late. There was his friend Peter pinned to a tree with a spear through his chest. Ignoring all danger to himself John rushed up to him crying out: "Oh, my poor friend. Does it hurt?" "Oh, only when I laugh!" replied Peter. = Joke Guru = One of the things that attracted me to Osho was that he used many jokes to make his discourses clearer. That was very refreshing to me because I had been involved in a deadly serious spiritual growth group for a number of years. What a relief!! Laugh your way to God. Love, Live, Laugh. Nasrudin Nasrudin, Part Deux This page is dedicated to Fred Scriven and KnowMystery